Tag Archives: love

The color of 2015.

Color? 2015? I don’t know. My planning calendar is in my phone these days.
I have no brightly colored leather-and-paper diary to show me the way.

But it’s not my “digital life” that’s made me lose my direction. It’s my “happy life”. The better my life gets, the less I need to change it. There is less pain, less struggling, less urgency. But there is also less of an obvious direction. Before, I always wanted to move upwards. Now, it’s more like “should I go right or left or straight ahead? Or just stop for a while to smell the flowers?”

Now that I no longer NEED to change my life, I can use my time and energy to enjoy it. Not that I would ever lean back and stop moving. But I don’t have to paddle like crazy to stop myself from sinking. Rather than mending what keeps falling apart, I can build new things.

Back to 2015! What shall I build?

My home. Keep the momentum going! Hire that painter to fix the ceiling. Hire that repairman to fix the window blinds. My apartment already feels more like Home than ever before, and I’m not aiming for showroom perfection, but these things are at the top of my 2015 to-do list.

My body. Keep it up! Last year’s training and eating have given me a good foundation. I can feel it. I still enjoy my sweets and salties, and I’m still struggling with my core strength. But I’m getting stronger and healthier, despite my age, and I’m looking forward to this year’s races: 80K in April, 50K in June, and 90K in August.

My soul. Stay true to myself! Too much ITF* socializing makes me tired and unhappy. So keep declining event invitations and embracing alone-time! It’s working. However, while I need to be economic with my time, I can be generous with money, and donate to causes that I believe in. I can also be generous with love. Keep heart and mind open, see the good in people, smile and look people in the eyes, show appreciation, give a helping hand. Don’t hate. Don’t put people down. Don’t hold a grudge, and don’t pass it on to others. Apologize.

What about that other kind of love? Finding it has been on my wish list (to-do list?) for some time now. And I did try online dating in 2014. But it’s SO boring. Why can’t my friends just set me up with someone perfect? (Hint!) Whether I find him, or don’t find him, I will always be the love of my life.

And what about color? Let’s say the colors of 2015 are black, grey and navy blue. My favorite colors. Then maybe 2015 will be my favorite year. So far.

* ITF = in the flesh

The color of 2014

In 2013…

I had a bright red diary, ”for energy, joy and generosity. Red for following my heart, loving without fear and taking center stage. Red like my face will be after I’ve run 53K on the 29th of June.”

I ran my first ultra marathon. Yes, I did it! But of course I did it. My dad even told me afterwards: “Every time we saw you along the road, you seemed happy and determined. There was never any doubt in your eyes.” And he was right. I was happy and determined, with three affirmations going through my head:
1. “When in doubt, move forward”
2. “I can do this”
3. “Pain is nothing”
They all just appeared in my head along the way. And I did it.

I became a crazy cat lady. Cats have always been my favorite animal, but I never dared take responsibility of another living being before. Until now. Tuffa is a middle-aged, black lady, and the best cat in the world. Becoming her human was the best thing I did last year.

I had my first whole year with antidepressants. Bliss! Not that they make life easy. They just make life not feel like a pointless pain in the ass. They let me be the person I want to be, instead of the person I manage to portray without falling apart. I used to be an antidepressant sceptic. Now I’m a fan.

I got louder and bigger. Louder? Speaking my mind, challenging the status quo, trusting my competence and my opinions. Bigger? Standing proud, wearing high heels more often. Uncrossing my legs and arms, opening up my body language to match my intellect and my emotions.

In 2014…

I want to live more. Travel more, create more, give more, learn and grow more.

I want to finish UltraVasan (90K) in August. Correction: I’m going to finish UltraVasan.

I want love. I really do. Not children. Just a best friend and faithful, passionate lover.

I want structure. Just a little bit. And that’s why the color of 2014 is…no color. Or every color. I’m finally going diary digital. Because, if I want something to change, I have to change something.

Going back. Moving on.

The other day, I was thrown back in time. A bitter madeleine from the outskirts of my existence made me rush through the last eight months of my life. What had I been up to since November last year?

Delivering ideas and texts to my clients. A local school board, an icecream manufacturer, a company who makes medical diagnostic tools, just to mention a few. What else? I’d turned my budding business into an incorporated company. I’d spent a lazy vacation in Las Palmas, Gran Canaria. I’d started a philosophy dinner club with a few friends. I’d fallen in love with yoga. I’d met a man who made me laugh, feel good about myself, and hope for something more. (Until he vanished without a word.) I had been happy, sad, lazy, busy. I had worked, loved, run, fucked, dreamed and much more.

What I had not done, however, was conspire against a woman I hardly know, in order to steal a man I had no romantic or sexual interest in. That story existed only in her head. Apparently, it had been living inside her head for eight months, weighing heavily on her heart. What an utter waste of time.

When she finally vented her accusations, I was shocked. Insulted. Pissed off. Now, I only hope that she will find a way of loving him without attacking people who just happen to be in the wrong place at the wrong time. That she will get help to find inner peace and security.

I sincerely wish her well.

The Maker

Making believe.
Making a mess
Making something out of nothing.
Making a change.
Making it work.
Making it up as I go along

Making love.
Making a living.
Making a precious moment last.
Making an effort
Making mistakes
Making my humble dreams come true.

Life is always in the making.
I’m the Maker.
So are you.

Goldfish

When your smile leaps out. But no one’s there to catch it. When your hopes are high, then they fall to the ground. When you see someone coming. But you’re left all alone. When you think you know, then realize you don’t.

It’s one moment in time. One of many. So forget, don’t regret. Let your smile leap again.

And again.
And again.
And again.

The Quest

What am I looking for?

I’m not sure. But I keep trying. Keep making stupid choices, following trails that lead me nowhere. Keep getting lost, turning back in fear at any hint of a happy ending. Keep rushing back to hide behind myself. To cuddle up with my loneliness.

Sure, I know what I’m looking for. But I’ve forgotten what it looks like. Can’t remember what it feels like.

And I’m tired of looking. Oh, so tired.

Worthwhile

”Six years wasted. Six years for nothing.” That’s what he said when I left him.

I was 29, panicking over where my life was heading. Whether I wanted to stay in the backseat of someone else’s car, or get in the driver’s seat of my own, finally. He was 27, ready to start a family. For him, our six years together had been an investment in the future. I erased that future with six words.

”Six years wasted. Six years for nothing.” These are among the most significant phrases in my life. They will always stay with me. Reminding me to treasure every day. Even the bad ones. Nothing is wasted. You will always have something to show for the love you spend. If only a scar, reminding you to spend it more wisely next time.

I hope, dear Martin, that you have come to realize this too. Finally.